Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Open Table 2012 - Rumours

Assidla the Mentor once opined that the landscape below the surface of the world was formed by natural processes, that of the flow of water combined with shifting of rock caused by the great pressure of lava underneath. He furthermore argued that colossal plates of bedrock were slowly moving the continents apart at a speed imperceptible to the human eye. This was obvious nonsense and indeed he was later crucified for this heresy.

His student Cram of Yellow Crags continued his work after his master's death attempting to reconcile this heretical view with the obviously contradictory fact that the world beneath the surface of the planet consisted almost entirely of an inside-out ecumenopolis of dungeon complexes. He concluded that Assidla the Mentor's great work had been interrupted mid-flow by his grisly end and that he had really meant to describe the underpinnings of the planet in some earlier epoch. This was obvious nonsense and indeed he was defenestrated for this heresy.

Later the Dwarf sage Enoch Turnbuckle drew the conclusion that the dungeons beneath the world were of extra-planar origin and that some entity or machine was drawing them to itself from across the reach of all fathomable realities for unfathomable reasons. This was obvious nonsense and indeed he was later impaled for this heresy.

Uncaring of the consequences of obvious heresy, two hundred years later Citchpar the Hermit wrote a long and rambling treatise declaring his belief that the frogs or toads or possibly the frogs and the toads were responsible for this state of affairs. This was obvious nonsense and indeed so nonsensical that he escaped heresy on the grounds that nobody took this remotely seriously.

Following long term experimentation with speedballing Black Lotus and dried, rainbow-coloured Unicorn excrement, Citchpar later refined his theory to state that the frogs or toads or possibly the frogs and the toads were of extra-Galactic origin and had arrived here concealed within the wombs of metal Rocs which flew through space. This was obvious nonsense and indeed he was later bastinadoed and made to wade through the septic tank below The Palace of Nurgle for this heresy.

Re-opening the words of the impaled sage Turnbuckle, the monkey masked-clerics of the Cult of the Monkey Wight spent much time debating whether the volume lost in the extra-planar places when an underworld section was removed from it's place of origin was filled with the equivalent underworld section from this world. This was obviously an intelligent question and debate raged for some decades until the world outside of the Cult grew tired of the schismatic wars that this produced and they were threatened with liquidising for this tedious heresy.

The Cult of the Monkey Wight

It appears that, for unfathomable reasons, the ancient (and justified and possibly extra-planar too if Sage Turnbuckle was correct) Yu-Yu civilization worshipped undead monkeys and performed many a blasphemous rite of vivisection upon the dead of the monkey world in order to transform them into hideous, monkey barrow-inhabiting Wights. Modern scholars have little idea of the motives behind this practise but suspect that the Yu-Yuians felt that this was amusing in some way and may have employed Monkey Wights as comic relief.

The modern-day Cult of the Monkey Wight is dedicated to the unearthing of the resting places of Monkey Wights again possibly again for the reason that they find the ideas of monkeys from beyond the grave performing their funny monkey tricks as being quite funny. Cultists dress in brown robes and wear brass or leather masks formed in the likeness of monkey faces. They are always of Chaotic alignment.

Adventurers are often advised to be careful around the remnants of Yu-Yu archeology in case they accidentally disturb one of these level-draining little furry bastards.

Monkey Wights Stat-Line

Exactly the same as Wights in whichever variety of game you play. Except that Monkey Wights look like undead monkeys and may show evidence of their Monkey Wight-isation rituals such as sawn-off upper sections of cranium or entanglement in barbed wire. Some are believed to have developed nicotine addictions due to bizarre and inhumane treatment in an earlier life.

Black Elves

The race of Black Elves is a nomadic Gypsy race famed for their brightly coloured caravans and are in no way similar to the Dalish Elves of Dragon Age. At all. Little is known to humanity of these wizened and withered and nut-brown complexioned secretive fey other than that their principal deity is Shaggradd, Grandmother of Black Elves who lives in a Gypsy caravan somewhere beyond the Moon.

Black Elves are rumoured to die through shrivelling up to the size of a clothes peg should they ever come into contact with the base metal lead and must gnaw on silver to grind their teeth down otherwise their gnashers would grow to insane lengths with their upper set impaling their jaws and their lower sets ultimately piercing their brains. Black Elf juveniles are believed to gnaw on softer gold to grind their gums down.

Possible Links Between the Yu-Yuians, Monkeys, Cult of the Monkey Wights and Black Elves

Some scholars have noted the attractiveness of the shiny trim and fittings of Black Elf caravans to thieving monkeys (i.e. all of them). Furthermore since no monkey ever seems to be in possession of the shiny things they steal from Black Elves it is theorised that there must exist somewhere a Great Monkey King to whom all monkeys play homage and tribute in the form of sparkly bits of caravans. Specially commissioned artists impressions suggest that this Great Monkey King reclines upon a throne made from wheel hubs and chrome trim and mirrors stolen from a thousand Black Elf caravans, wherein which he receives his tribute in the form of more shiny stolen booty donated by his adoring subjects.

It is further theorised that the creation of the Monkey Wights by the Yu-Yuians might in fact be an attempt to sabotage the dealings of the Black Elves by creating immortal servants of the Great Monkey King. Possibly in exchange for money.

1 comment:

  1. This is brilliantly twisted!

    AND I learned the terms for several forms of execution/torture. Thanks!