Monday, 25 February 2013

Oldhammer - Umlaut Goreshitter

Once upon a time, in the Reikland village of Alt-Hammer, deep within the dark forested Principality of Upper-Rungun, a minor petty princedom whose only known exports were congenital deformities, buggery and "The Old King's Rot" was born a son to Hans and Lieselotte Gorseschitter.

Umlaut(*) had his Mother's eyes, his Grandfather's nose and his Father's head which, a famed family trait running down the Gorseschitter lineage from before the days of the two-tailed comet, was growing out of his left kneecap.

The Gorseschitter family trade was rat-catching, a job made far easier when ones eyeballs are hovering just above the ground. In time young Umlaut grew to manhood and inherited his Father's mantle - the ratter's pole with D6 dead rats, a sling and ammunition, d6 animal traps and the proud symbol of his profession - A Small But Vicious Dog ().

A happy lifespan of about 35-40 years, siring several deformed mutant children of all three sexes and eventual decay into Chaos Spawn-dom awaited the young, keen ratcatcher.

Except... for that fatal day when he was summoned to the manor house of the Graf Jacob Sa'Vile von Self-Fondler to deal with a rat infestation whereupon it all went a bit Pieter Töng.

Umlaut let his Small But Vicious Dog () off the leash in chase of the scent of rodent and followed him down into the cellar of Schloss von Self-Fondler. There he discovered to his horror the great scented pastel catacombs of the Graf's pleasure chambers, a hell of soft furnishings, recreational drugs, pale wan slaves and (he suspected from a brief glimpse of a black-and-red-robed figure fleeing in haste) the Cardinal of North Albion.

Following the sound of yapping and the trail of overturned silver platters of Lustrian Army Marching Powder, Umlaut arrived at a small hexagonal chamber decorated in hermaphroditic murals to find his Small But Vicious Dog () victorious amongst a pile of dead rats, some of whom appeared to be wearing gold earrings in piratical style.

Suddenly a noise behind him made the young rat-catcher spin around. Behind him stood the Graf, who was for some reason clad as a somewhat disreputable and dishevelled looking junior Priestess of Shallya and pointing a loaded crossbow at him.

"Having seen the magnificence of my pleasure chambers and resolved my rodent problem you will never leave alive peasant. Prepare yourself to meet your decidedly unimaginative and sexually repressed maker."

The Graf's finger tightened upon the crossbow trigger. With a yelp, the Small But Vicious Dog () leaped up at the Graf's face. In a flash, the nobleman's carotid artery was severed and with a yelp, the Small But Vicious Dog () fell to the ground with a crossbow bolt through it's neck.

Tales are only whispered of the grim bloody vengeance that Umlaut wreaked upon the house of von Self-Fondler in revenge for the death of his brave Small But Vicious Dog (). But when all was done and the stones of Schloss von Self-Fondler lay tumbled amongst the curiously twisted and spiky weeds, Umlaut Gorseschitter was no more and UMLAUT GÖRESHITTER stood in his place.

"My Dark Master Khorne" screamed Göreshitter, "I will slay the pervert followers of the pre-op ladyboy God for your dark glory even if I have to grow a ginger mullet and drive to fucking Nottingham!"

With that, a leap into the dark woods and Göreshitter was off to assemble around himself a motley collection of the worst crap ever to fall out of eBay and, being somewhat illiterate, set fire to the house of a paediatrician in South Wales (allegedly).


Umlaut Work-In-Progress reflecting his Chaos Attribute (Limb Transference) which moved his head to his knee. I feel slightly like I'm cheating here by going for 100% plastic and putty rather than white metal but it's been a bit of a nightmare trying to find a suitable figure. Most of the lead I found out wasn't suited to quick-and-dirty headchops as the head was either moulded against a weapon or "flowed" into extensive detail such as on the Grenadier amazons I had that all had long hair and/or braids.

And if the top half of the figure was fine for head removal, the knee wasn't and would be obscured making it either difficult to see the head transference or impossible to convert.

So this is Göreshitter in his current guise, that might change before the summer. Colour scheme will be red, red and some red possibly with brass and then some gore.

(*) Sadly Windows charmap.exe is unable to replicate local spelling and add the required umlaut above the letter 'm'. Use your imagination.

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Oldhammer Theme Music Is It?

You are all wrong.

It's this.

I suggest it is played on continual loop at Oldhammer day at Foundry this summer.

Thursday, 7 February 2013

Oldhammer Warband Thoughts

I need two Hobgoblins for the warband (who will be known as Naztibrootiz and Zhort), so I went through the box with my very old (now retired) Hordes of the Things Goblin army, The Goblins of Crippledick Peak to see what I could find.

These are (I think) Ral Partha Orcs.

These were masquerading as Goblins because they aren't as big as modern Orcs. They have very nice shields for old skool freehand shield designs although BITD I just used GW waterslides.

The other option is these two Chronicle N16 Cave Goblins from the talented hands of Nick Bibby a man who sadly had to stop sculpting when he developed an allergy to epoxy putty. :)

Not sure where I got the idea for ginger goblins from but not a bad one.

Whichever I use, I'll strip and repaint in the traditional Comedy Racist Oriental Yellow of the 1980s Citadel Hobgoblins along with some form of unifying paint scheme to tie everything in together - traditional Khornate dark red and yellow metal sort of thing.

You know, I woke up yesterday morning having had a weird dream that I needed to convert a Fimir into a Were-Fimir that was also a two-headed, two-beaked, one-legged Chaos Spawn at the same time and that this thing would get fucking murdered by bowfire on the first turn despite taking up six months of work to get it finished and painted. Good job, nothing like this ever happens in real life and that Umlaut Göreshitter's Chaos Warband is just Hobgoblins and Chaos Beastmen eh kids?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

The Oldhammer Warband

Right then, for the Oldhammer day to be played out at Foundry in Nottingham later in the year, it's time to sort out the Coop Chaos Warband. With dice rolling and everything. See here for all the stuff if this appears to make no sense to you.

Here are my weapons - plenty of chaotic chance and randomness in there.

First up, me or UMLAUT GÖRESHITTER as I now wish to be known. I pick a 10 Hero Human. Khornate, so get Chaos Armour for free which is basically Heavy Armour +1.

Chaos Attribute - Limb Transference. Hmmmm. This turns out to be head to knee which, for purposes of modelling, I can only envisage as requiring the decapitation of a model and the sculpting of a face on a giant swollen knee. Much like my knee after I banged it trying to clamber out of a single-seater racing car (had it had a scowling John Blanche Ogre face growing out of it at the time).

3 Retinue rolls next.

First is d6 Hobgoblins, 2 of. Fairly certain I can rustle up some Goblinoids that are not quite little Goblins, but not quite hulking Orcs. I have some Ral Partha Orcs that can go in the Dettol.

Second is 2d6 Beastmen, 7 of. Don't think I have any of these to hand although I do have an Asgard Half-Troll that needs using.

Third roll is, ohh...

Which sends me off the interesting Other table. Score - Fimir.

That's bad luck as I don't have one and they aren't exactly cheap on eBay. Still, carry on. This turns to be not just a Fimir but a Chaos Fimir as it has up to D3 attributes - Roll of 1. Result - Chaos-Were.

Which requires another model. Roll for base creature for "were" form - Fimir.


2 Fimir models? Fimir-Were-Fimir?

Fuck it, keep rolling. Chaos-Were form has 5 attributes.

Hopper (one leg - obviously just what you want with a old, large, white metal model designed for a 40mm base), Huge Head (just what you want with a old, large, white metal model designed for a 40mm base that is now balancing on one leg), Warty Skin (which was done with little balls of Milliput pressed flat on the model's skin, yes?), Bestial Face and...

Chaos Spawn.


Roll another d6 attributes.

Bestial Face (again), Beaked (twice) ,Rotting Flesh.


Lets get this straight shall we...

A Fimir that has the curse of Lycanthrophy that, upon nights when Morrslieb the Chaos Moon is full turns into his bestial inner self... another Fimir.

With a giant head supporting two bestial faces, both beaked while hopping on one giant leg. He does have a slight wart problem with his complexion but happily that's being resolved as it's basically all falling off.


Now, where's my Milliput?


Suddenly, Chaos Were Fimir reminded me of Leaping Slomm Two-Face all the way back in "The Mark of Chaos" (basically proto-RoC) in The First Citadel Compendium from 1983.

That gives me something to work on. Maybe start with a leg from a doll or action figure of some description, forget that the Chaos-Were form is supposed to be a Fimir (as the Chaos Spawn attribute rather trumps that) and work up something akin to this.