Monday, 25 February 2013

Oldhammer - Umlaut Goreshitter

Once upon a time, in the Reikland village of Alt-Hammer, deep within the dark forested Principality of Upper-Rungun, a minor petty princedom whose only known exports were congenital deformities, buggery and "The Old King's Rot" was born a son to Hans and Lieselotte Gorseschitter.

Umlaut(*) had his Mother's eyes, his Grandfather's nose and his Father's head which, a famed family trait running down the Gorseschitter lineage from before the days of the two-tailed comet, was growing out of his left kneecap.

The Gorseschitter family trade was rat-catching, a job made far easier when ones eyeballs are hovering just above the ground. In time young Umlaut grew to manhood and inherited his Father's mantle - the ratter's pole with D6 dead rats, a sling and ammunition, d6 animal traps and the proud symbol of his profession - A Small But Vicious Dog ().

A happy lifespan of about 35-40 years, siring several deformed mutant children of all three sexes and eventual decay into Chaos Spawn-dom awaited the young, keen ratcatcher.

Except... for that fatal day when he was summoned to the manor house of the Graf Jacob Sa'Vile von Self-Fondler to deal with a rat infestation whereupon it all went a bit Pieter Töng.

Umlaut let his Small But Vicious Dog () off the leash in chase of the scent of rodent and followed him down into the cellar of Schloss von Self-Fondler. There he discovered to his horror the great scented pastel catacombs of the Graf's pleasure chambers, a hell of soft furnishings, recreational drugs, pale wan slaves and (he suspected from a brief glimpse of a black-and-red-robed figure fleeing in haste) the Cardinal of North Albion.

Following the sound of yapping and the trail of overturned silver platters of Lustrian Army Marching Powder, Umlaut arrived at a small hexagonal chamber decorated in hermaphroditic murals to find his Small But Vicious Dog () victorious amongst a pile of dead rats, some of whom appeared to be wearing gold earrings in piratical style.

Suddenly a noise behind him made the young rat-catcher spin around. Behind him stood the Graf, who was for some reason clad as a somewhat disreputable and dishevelled looking junior Priestess of Shallya and pointing a loaded crossbow at him.

"Having seen the magnificence of my pleasure chambers and resolved my rodent problem you will never leave alive peasant. Prepare yourself to meet your decidedly unimaginative and sexually repressed maker."

The Graf's finger tightened upon the crossbow trigger. With a yelp, the Small But Vicious Dog () leaped up at the Graf's face. In a flash, the nobleman's carotid artery was severed and with a yelp, the Small But Vicious Dog () fell to the ground with a crossbow bolt through it's neck.

Tales are only whispered of the grim bloody vengeance that Umlaut wreaked upon the house of von Self-Fondler in revenge for the death of his brave Small But Vicious Dog (). But when all was done and the stones of Schloss von Self-Fondler lay tumbled amongst the curiously twisted and spiky weeds, Umlaut Gorseschitter was no more and UMLAUT GÖRESHITTER stood in his place.

"My Dark Master Khorne" screamed Göreshitter, "I will slay the pervert followers of the pre-op ladyboy God for your dark glory even if I have to grow a ginger mullet and drive to fucking Nottingham!"

With that, a leap into the dark woods and Göreshitter was off to assemble around himself a motley collection of the worst crap ever to fall out of eBay and, being somewhat illiterate, set fire to the house of a paediatrician in South Wales (allegedly).


Umlaut Work-In-Progress reflecting his Chaos Attribute (Limb Transference) which moved his head to his knee. I feel slightly like I'm cheating here by going for 100% plastic and putty rather than white metal but it's been a bit of a nightmare trying to find a suitable figure. Most of the lead I found out wasn't suited to quick-and-dirty headchops as the head was either moulded against a weapon or "flowed" into extensive detail such as on the Grenadier amazons I had that all had long hair and/or braids.

And if the top half of the figure was fine for head removal, the knee wasn't and would be obscured making it either difficult to see the head transference or impossible to convert.

So this is Göreshitter in his current guise, that might change before the summer. Colour scheme will be red, red and some red possibly with brass and then some gore.

(*) Sadly Windows charmap.exe is unable to replicate local spelling and add the required umlaut above the letter 'm'. Use your imagination.


  1. Ok, that was funny. I can't usually bear LOLs in comments but to be fair, I did one.

    "and then some gore." What about a gore-drenched, winking starfish motif on that shield?


    1. You say goreshitter, I say winking starfish. Tomayto, Tomarto, it's a Slaanesh thing. Ummy has to poop his gore out somewhere though, and the logical next step is to make a heraldic theme of it surely. ;)

  3. Perhaps a winking star fish with an axe in it.
    I actually quite adore those plastic chaos warriors. For a brief period in the late 90's GW almost went back to the 80's but with plastic, then the first orc set came out..

  4. Yeah, lovely figures they were,and very "posable". I remember doing one that was leaning back while swinging sword and shield forwards which ended up with fantastic animation. A mate (Hi Scott!) has a modern Chaos Warriors army and the current plastics are look like they are all on guard duty in comparison to these classics.

    This one came out of the Dettol bath this evening with a dozen years of paint falling off it. Looking at it's unpainted state, it's surprising how heavy the detail is compared to modern GW plastics.

  5. The Goreschitters were so poor they couldn't even afford an 'i' for the lil doggie's name? That's tragic. Poor Tm, we hardly knew ye.