Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Back to His Contrarian Best


I really liked Warhammer:Visions because, basically, fuck you.

No seriously, I did. For the following reasons

1 - It has no words. Frankly the words were the worst part of White Dwarf post about, ohhh 1991 or so, and the bits they should have been doing a lot less of anyway. All those exclamation marks! Everything so cool and awesome! More fucking exclamation marks! Buy our cool new shit! Better than the old cool shit we no longer acknowledge! You are as cool as fuck because you are a twelve year old boy who wanks too much and has half a Space Marine army painted in spraycan Chaos Black! Look how cool we are in these photographs circa 1996! You could be this cool too!

White Dwarf was a fucking embarrasment to read even in a room where you were on your own and nobody could see in through the windows because you'd had the curtains drawn for the entire summer like my gaming mate Jamie managed throughout 1993. The words always induced a painful level of sheerfuckingcringe, made worse by the gormless mugshots of the perpetrators sited next to them on the page so you ended up actually visualising these poor fuckers uttering this shit while you backed away towards the door praying it would all end soon.

2 - It has stuff painted by people who don't work for GW i.e. GD entries and somebody else's Undead army. The best pictures in WD were always those that hadn't been painted to strict corporate standards by people who didn't give a shit about proper GW colour schemes. Can you imagine Fraser Grey or Michael Immig churning out "highlighted to white on all hard edges" plastic crap for photoshopped GW Studio promotional pics these days? And would you care to see their work if they did?

3 - I like the Tamiya catalogues not because I'm going to buy any of the stuff but simply because you can get lost for hours looking at all the stuff.

4 - I will return again and again to W:V looking for inspiration for colour schemes without actually painting a single model that ever appears in it's pages.

5 - There is no gaming bollocks involved.

6 - I never, ever saw the point of Battle Reports. I know that everybody else on the planet thought that they were the best thing since big tits were invented but I never, ever saw the point as it was always the GW equivalent of that cunt in the 1980s who always insisted on telling you about his 22nd level Fighter-Magic-User and all his exploits and artefacts - Then Nigel rolled the dice and seven Dorfs were removed! Karl-Franz's hammer came down! But the Winds of Magic blew poorly for Ian! It all came down to the last roll of the dice! And The Empire was saved! And we made it all up! Because in the real game Ian rolled dice like a twat and ragequit in a huff!

7- It has German captions and all Warhammer stuff looks more authentic in German. Caslon Antique next time though lads if that's alright.

So there. Fuck you all. I like it and had it been produced in Japanese by a Japanese company and been nightmarishly difficult to lay your hands on it in the UK you'd have all spunked your pants over it.

That said - it was pointed out to me that the large Tyranid special is a direct cut-and-paste from the last ever issue of Not White Dwarf. Not owning that I couldn't really give a shit but if next months W:V has a third of it dedicated to reprints of Dorf stuff from their weekly offering I may start to sour on the whole thing. But since every single person who posts gaming-related stuff on the Internet said in their post of gaming-related stuff on the Internet said it was utter shit, there must somewhere be a corollary that states that this means that somewhere there are ten times as many people who don't post gaming-related stuff on the Internet who thought it was quite good really. And if there isn't such a corollary there fucking well ought to be.


16 comments:

  1. Welcome back, Coops. For what it's worth, I disagree.

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  2. I'm not against the idea of Warhammer Visions but I can't work out how they're going to have enough material to fit into a monthly magazine that size. Back when they were publishing umpteen games, perhaps, but not now they're only acknowledging the existence of three.

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    1. This is very true. WV1 (which is actually the post code for the centre of Wolverhampton but never mind that) has a lot of Golden Demon USA pics which are great but the well of these will probably run short quite quickly. And of course while it's three games at the moment, before long it will be down to two...

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  3. I haven't seen W:V yet. Is it a bit like a more colourful version of the old Citadel Compendium but with the articles removed? I rue the day I threw my copy of issue 1 away every time I see it come up on eBay.

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    1. I get confused with the difference between the Citadel Journal and Compendium. It's basically lots of miniatures photography with single sentence captions in three languages.

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  4. The dude is back.......and in full flight!

    Yeah, the words just got in the way of the pics, interesting articles are overated.

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    1. No, uninteresting articles are overrated :)

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  5. Well I shall counter the positivity and the negativity with indifference. I'm certain it is good for some people but I haven't bought WD since the 90's anyway so couldn't give a stuff.

    Nice to see the bloggosphere call you back coop.

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  6. Nope, it's drastically overpriced shit destined to fail.

    That you have come out of retirement with such a divisive piece does however prove that you're still the same old irascible Coop we knew and loved. Does this tirade signal a return to at least semi-regular posting?

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    1. Sadly "destined to fail" and "I really like it" are not mutually exclusive states.

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  7. I fucking loved looking at the Citadel Compendiums! If only the twats at GW had filled 120 pages with shitty little line drawings of figures by Jes, John, Dave, H and Tony, all drawn with a broken Bic on toilet paper! Then I'd be throwing money at the fuckers!

    Is that enthusiastic and sweary enough old bean?

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    1. One of those boutique miniatures companys that I hear so much should go back to hand-drawn figures in their adverts. Just for the Old Skool kudos :)

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  8. As Coops would have it, I spunked my pants back in '83 or whenever it was when that first Citadel Companion came out. It had shitty line drawings of tits in it! I daresay its modern day counterpart does not. All I do now is cry into my pint over the issue I threw in the bin when I see the stupid prices they go for on eBay.

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  9. Here, have an imaginary internet pint on me. Great post, vitriolic comedy gold if ever I read it. I feel almost post-coital.

    I struggled through the red period of GW, salty tears of loss running down my face for the best part of a decade. White Dwarf now is like the a playboy wrapped in money with whiskey shooting out of the spine compared to what it was back then.

    And I still bought it.

    Sigh.

    Anyway, I liked visions, it's eye porn for a painter/modeller, and it'll turn into a super handy stack of reference.

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  10. I completely agree with you about Visions - wanted to hate it, couldn't. More importantly, really glad you're blogging again - yours was a real inspiration when I got back into gaming and I've missed reading it

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