Tuesday, 4 February 2014
I really liked Warhammer:Visions because, basically, fuck you.
No seriously, I did. For the following reasons
1 - It has no words. Frankly the words were the worst part of White Dwarf post about, ohhh 1991 or so, and the bits they should have been doing a lot less of anyway. All those exclamation marks! Everything so cool and awesome! More fucking exclamation marks! Buy our cool new shit! Better than the old cool shit we no longer acknowledge! You are as cool as fuck because you are a twelve year old boy who wanks too much and has half a Space Marine army painted in spraycan Chaos Black! Look how cool we are in these photographs circa 1996! You could be this cool too!
White Dwarf was a fucking embarrasment to read even in a room where you were on your own and nobody could see in through the windows because you'd had the curtains drawn for the entire summer like my gaming mate Jamie managed throughout 1993. The words always induced a painful level of sheerfuckingcringe, made worse by the gormless mugshots of the perpetrators sited next to them on the page so you ended up actually visualising these poor fuckers uttering this shit while you backed away towards the door praying it would all end soon.
2 - It has stuff painted by people who don't work for GW i.e. GD entries and somebody else's Undead army. The best pictures in WD were always those that hadn't been painted to strict corporate standards by people who didn't give a shit about proper GW colour schemes. Can you imagine Fraser Grey or Michael Immig churning out "highlighted to white on all hard edges" plastic crap for photoshopped GW Studio promotional pics these days? And would you care to see their work if they did?
3 - I like the Tamiya catalogues not because I'm going to buy any of the stuff but simply because you can get lost for hours looking at all the stuff.
4 - I will return again and again to W:V looking for inspiration for colour schemes without actually painting a single model that ever appears in it's pages.
5 - There is no gaming bollocks involved.
6 - I never, ever saw the point of Battle Reports. I know that everybody else on the planet thought that they were the best thing since big tits were invented but I never, ever saw the point as it was always the GW equivalent of that cunt in the 1980s who always insisted on telling you about his 22nd level Fighter-Magic-User and all his exploits and artefacts - Then Nigel rolled the dice and seven Dorfs were removed! Karl-Franz's hammer came down! But the Winds of Magic blew poorly for Ian! It all came down to the last roll of the dice! And The Empire was saved! And we made it all up! Because in the real game Ian rolled dice like a twat and ragequit in a huff!
7- It has German captions and all Warhammer stuff looks more authentic in German. Caslon Antique next time though lads if that's alright.
So there. Fuck you all. I like it and had it been produced in Japanese by a Japanese company and been nightmarishly difficult to lay your hands on it in the UK you'd have all spunked your pants over it.
That said - it was pointed out to me that the large Tyranid special is a direct cut-and-paste from the last ever issue of Not White Dwarf. Not owning that I couldn't really give a shit but if next months W:V has a third of it dedicated to reprints of Dorf stuff from their weekly offering I may start to sour on the whole thing. But since every single person who posts gaming-related stuff on the Internet said in their post of gaming-related stuff on the Internet said it was utter shit, there must somewhere be a corollary that states that this means that somewhere there are ten times as many people who don't post gaming-related stuff on the Internet who thought it was quite good really. And if there isn't such a corollary there fucking well ought to be.